Coping with holiday stress
MONTEREY, Calif. — Crystal Stromer remembers most of the holiday gatherings she’s attended in the same way: rushing in and immediately pouring a glass of wine before reaching for the hors d’oeuvres.
“I always felt stressed out,” said the Pacific Grove, Calif., resident, recounting the string of questions that would run through her mind. “Did I get enough done? Am I wearing the right outfit? Did I buy the right gift? Instead of being present with the people, I would grab a glass of wine and get something to eat. Maybe that helped to quiet the stress.”
Stromer isn’t alone. Between pressures to spend lavishly on gifts, rushing around to multiple holiday gatherings, entertaining hoards of out-of-town guests (or traveling through hoards to visit loved ones in another town), most Americans are familiar with the stress of the holiday season. Add to that the economic woes of 2010, and the pressure is even higher still.
According to an American Psychological Association survey, 61 percent of Americans cite a lack of money as their top holiday stressor this season.
And, like Stromer, many people deal with their stressful feelings by soothing themselves with food or alcoholic beverages. In the same APA survey, 36 percent of Americans reported that they either eat food or drink alcohol to relieve their holiday stress.
This year, though, is different for Stromer. Not only was this the first Thanksgiving where she stopped eating when her stomach was full and declined reaching for another glass of wine, but as the Christmas parties start to roll around, she finds herself feeling more focused on the presence of other people at the gatherings. The difference isn’t a new diet or changed holiday scene — the difference is in the way she feels about herself.
In her third month of attending a Body Love Group Coaching session facilitated by life coach Lily Hills, Stromer has learned to become more present with herself and how she’s feeling.
“What I’m noticing is that my habits are really changing. Before reaching for the food for the wrong reasons, I ask myself: Are you really hungry or are you sad or frustrated or stressed or just bored?”
“We’re so used to seeking short-term pleasure rather than dealing with our pain,” said Hills, author of “The Body Love Manual.” “When we’re feeding our emotional appetites, we’re eating not because we’re physically hungry, but because we’re trying to cope with our feelings. Food becomes a coping mechanism.”
Though numbing feelings with overeating or intoxication can make a person feel better in the short term, Hills pointed out that using food or alcohol in a compulsive way creates a vicious cycle that results in a person feeling worse, while the problems that drive the behavior are still there.
“Whether it’s food, alcohol, shopping, sex or whatever the addiction is, we’re looking for a way of escaping stress because the intensity of the present is so difficult,” said Kirstin Lyon, licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in counseling people with eating disorders in mid-Carmel Valley. “People use food to try to control the situation. Either they overeat to calm themselves or they control their food intake by not eating when they should. Food gives them (a feeling of) control over all these other things they can’t control — relationships, money. The reality is it’s not giving control at all. It’s a facade.”
People with addictions aren’t the only ones triggered by holiday stressors, pointed out Lee Larimer, clinical psychologist and clinical director for the Beacon House program in Pacific Grove. “It’s the case for all of us. We tend to have such huge expectations about how it’s supposed to be and how it’s supposed to feel, how friends and family are supposed to treat us — and many times these expectations are not realized. People put tremendous stress on themselves. When their expectations are not met, people tend to feel a sense of loss and inadequacy.”
It turns out that lowering our expectations for the season may be one of the most effective strategies for a peaceful holiday experience.
“One thing I do is try to keep it simple,” said Judith Wolfe, licensed clinical social worker in private practice in Carmel and Salinas, Calif. “It’s not all about being done or being done perfectly. If you don’t get the cookies done, buy the cookies. If you find yourself with five errands, let yourself triage. Do what has to be done now versus what can be done later. If you don’t get it all done, just say, ‘Oh well. It’s all good.”‘
To simplify gift-giving, Wolfe recommends starting a “Secret Santa” tradition or drawing a name. That way, you can focus on a thoughtful gift for one person rather than burning yourself out buying gifts for too many people. In addition, she said it’s important that people sit down and decide on a financial limit for how much they want to spend — and then stick to it.
“I have a girlfriend who said this year she’s only going to make it, bake it or take it — or for goodness sake,” said Wolfe. “For ‘make it,’ you could make coupons for raking leaves or washing a truck. ‘Take it’ could be photos, and ‘for goodness sake,’ you could donate to a charity. Especially for older people, we don’t need stuff — we need practical help.”
Rather than pining for an illusion of how the perfect holiday should be or how holidays used to be, Wolfe suggested that people focus on what the holiday means to them. When you find yourself speeding in your car or racing through the shopping mall, she recommends that you slow down and take a few deep breaths. “Remember what the holiday means to you. If it means love and family, keep asking yourself, ‘Am I on my target?”‘
The experts agree that taking care of yourself is the single most important thing you can do to enjoy the holiday season.
“People are not as hooked into their own program of self-care as they are at other times of year,” said Lyon. “When people turn to food and alcohol, that means they aren’t conscious of what their true needs are. Maybe they need a nap or a bath — or maybe they need to talk something out with someone.”
She added that when planning your holiday schedule, it’s important to make time for self-care — especially exercise, which lowers levels of stress hormones. “Anticipate how you can take care of your needs. How can you limit contact with problematic people and set boundaries? Can you eat healthy snacks ahead of time so you’re not overeating? People forget that they need to be as present for themselves as they are for others.”
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